Damsels in Distress

Recently the up's and down's of dating have been on my mind a lot. Partially that's because of my commitment to get out there and make the time to date. The other part is the conversations I've been having with friends lately. I have another friend who blogs about various topics and has posted one blog about dating from an economics stand point speaking about the value of eligible females being undervalued because of the basic theory of supply and demand. Then he later posted a blog about how women shouldn't take any disrespect and poor treatment from men they date. I guess with this logic, women are suppose to pride themselves at being respectably alone.

Well I let it drop back into the back of my mind for a bit, and now again a friend posts about this issue of "saving" or "fixing" "troubled" women. The friend posted under the heading, "Don't save her." I guess the question I keep coming back to is the question many men ask when women are attempting to "fix" them or make them "better" men. My question is, "Who gives you the final say on who needs fixing/saving?" Now of course there are some people in general we could probably all name who certainly need to get their lives together. But ultimately, who are any of us to judge where any person is on their process of life's lessons. I think it should be clearer this lesson about fixing or saving others is very much a lesson for those of us judging others and much less a lesson for the person walking a seemingly untenable path.

I think the real lesson is less about exactly where people are on their path of growth and more about those onlookers learning that it is not up to them to change someone else. And if men listen to this argument I'll be sure to listen to my own message when it comes to being overly critical and judgmental about the behavior of some men. The tone of some is that the individual is not worth saving. But I believe that is not the real issue. I believe the real issue is for the onlooker to not be so critical and domineering about what they have decided should happen with that person. I feel everyone has their own path to walk and that no one should sit in judgment of where a person is on their path.

I also feel the "saving" (again like the "fixing") tendency is much more about the onlooker's obsession with control than it is about where the person to be saved is in their life. I mean think about it this way. No onlooker can know what another person's destiny should be. Shoot! Not even the person living their life really knows what their destiny will be. So why would any onlooker feel they have the right to determine or anticipate what any other individual's life should or could be if the person was "saved" by them? I feel no human knows exactly what the Universe has in store. And often what humans have in store for themselves and each other far underestimates the person's full potential. Living up to someone else's expectations will most certainly end in failure, because ultimately, a person should life for themselves and not for others.

Now here comes a follow-up question. What, then, do you do if you really care about someone and would like to see them live up to whatever their fullest potential is, and you don't see them doing that. I think loved ones that are close to that person can confide in a person in a caring, and supportive way. But if you are someone interested in dating someone and have no real connection with the person yet, then self-control is where that impulse to control comes up. Instead of imposing your judgment on someone else's life, focus on controlling self and remembering that it's not your place to comment on where someone else is in their life. And if it really bothers you, you may want to look inside yourself and ask why someone else's behavior would affect you so profoundly. After some soulsearching, I would focus on finding ways to stay constructive and positive while also purging those who you don't feel are very healthy from your life. If you really feel someone isn't living right, what is most important is making sure you surround yourself with what deem positive people instead of ones you feel need saving.